The Sad Truth

The sad truth is that real life is more horrifying than anything that can be dreamed up in the movies. As a news reporter I lived a life that brought me way to close for comfort to brutal crime scenes, grieving families, the inside of jail cells and cold, hard, truth. There's nothing like the feeling of standing feet from a body covered by a tarp. There is nothing like the self-loathing you feel when a family who has just lost a loved one screams at you to get the camera out of their faces. It was unbearable at times. And yet, it was my job. And it was one that I was passionate about. The fact is, if it wasn't me, it would be someone else. Where there is news, there are cameras, microphones and reporters on a mission.
Perhaps, one of my most profound moments in my brief career as a news reporter, came in the driveway of the home of a family whose 14 year old daughter had been murdered by a neighbor. We had gone to the arraigment of the boy, who was also a teenager. Then, as scheduled, we went to the home to meet with the young victim's dad. I can't even describe the feeling I had in my stomach. The dad had agreed to meet with me, and yet, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was being horribly invasive and disrespectful. As a reporter, you are not supposed to show emotion, but it was all I could do to not cry along with him. He asked not to be filmed, so my photographer recorded photos of his beautiful daughter instead. I sat with him for probably about 40 minutes, the whole time my stomach was clenched in a knot. The victim's mother was in the kitchen with her sister, still so grief stricken that she could not speak. Her father told us what an amazing person she was. Her likes and dislikes, her plans for the future. Then he told us about that horrible day. I can hear the details like it was yesterday. We brought the interview to an end, and we quietly packed up our gear and left. I sat in the passenger seat of the news car and took a deep breath, trying to ease the knot I felt, all the while fighting back tears. My photographer, who had been in the industry for over 20 years, put his hand on my shoulder and said, "Are you okay?". I turned and asked, "Does it ever get easier?". He looked at me, shook his head and said, "I hope not." That was it. So simple, yet so profound. Because the fact is, over time, you do become numb. You find yourself standing at the scene of a house fire where a victim is missing, joking around with the other members of the media. Not because you're trying to be rude, or not realizing the impact of the situation, but because you've seen it before. And because if every time you responded to a scene, you allowed yourself to feel the truth of what is really happening, you couldn't possibly survive day after day of it. I survived almost two years. Long enough to see the young girl's killer plead guilty and be sentenced. I felt protective of that case and would never let another reporter in my station cover it. I felt that the best thing I could possibly do, in the position I was in, was to let the world know what a beautiful and bright life was lost. I hope I did that.
The reason this is all in the forefront of my mind is because of the brutal crime scene in Milton, Massachusetts today. I saw the coverage and have read the articles. I know one of my friends who is a photographer for a local station was there, camera rolling, when the parents came home and found out that three of their children were dead. I felt the knot in my stomach again, watching the footage of the mother fall to the ground screaming. And I felt so glad that it wasn't me standing there, microphone in hand, capturing that moment. It's all just too real.

No Patience

I have no patience today. It's been building for several days now. I am feeling so aggravated by the personality quirks of the people I work most closely with. As my blog indicates, my feelings towards them ebb and flow. They really are fun people and I enjoy them, for the most part. But the things that bother me about them, really, really bother me.
I don't understand how people can spend so much time and energy being vengeful and superficial. I find it truly draining and exhausting.
I know that i'm spreading myself too thin, right now. Between work, the wedding and the gym, I am so exhausted when I have down time, that I don't have the energy to take care of the little things that need to be done - cleaning my house, taking care of bills, etc. etc. I keep telling myself that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm not sure where the tunnel ends, but i'm sure, wherever it does, there is a light!
What I need is to just have some me-time. Thank God, it's Friday! I have nothing that I have to do this weekend. I am going to be a little selfish, rest, spend time getting things done, and hope to have a fresh approach when i return here Monday morning.

Dreams

Wedding day is rapidly approaching! 93 days - 3 months from tomorrow! I am so excited/overwhelmed, and all of those emotions are translating into some interesting dreams. Most nights the wedding finds its way into my subconcience while I sleep. often the dreams are repetitive, like the (horrible) movie Groundhog Day. Whatever the crisis is in my dream, it repeats itself over and over in a different setting each time. The issues that come up are, in reality, trivial, and in some cases preventable, but in the world of dreamland, they are huge and overwhelming and very frustrating. Some of these dreams are more memorable than others. For example: Last week I dreamt over and over about it being time for me to walk down the aisle, and not being dressed or having my hair or make up done. It was in a different setting each time, and I cannot even say for sure, who was in the dreams with me, except that for some reason, there was a news crew with me. I'm not sure what that represented. Anyways, it was a pretty frantic dream, but simply solidified my need to have a schedule of sorts to follow on the big day.
Another dream I had - possibly even in that same night (they are running together in my head), was that I was up at the pulpit (which is odd, because i'm not getting married in a church) and there were several children on the "groom's side" in the congregation and they were talking and crying and making all sorts of noise. Now, anyone who knows me well, knows that this is a major pet peeve of mine, and something i've been really concerned about for my ceremony. Therefore we are not allowing children to come to the wedding (it is, afterall, an evening event). In my dream I was furious, and stopped the ceremony to address the situation.. clearly, that's been on my mind. Hopefully guests will respect our wishes to keep this an adult-only event.
The latest dream was the other night. This one also had me in my church. I was standing in the foyer and it was pouring outside. Then the next minute it was bright and sunny and totally dry, then a minute later it was back to pouring, and on and on.. Somehow I had gotten stuck in the rain and my hair was a stringy, wavy mess. I kept trying to fix it and put my veil on but it wouldn't fix and my veil wouldn't stay on... It's all very odd.
Anyways, I guess the dreams are just a sign that the wedding is always in the forefront in my thoughts. I can probably count on three more months of these dreams.
What's been particularly entertaining are the stories I've heard from other brides-to-be and friends who are married. Clearly, wedding nightmares are just part of the planning process. I wonder why there isn't a chapter on it in my planning books!!