CORRECTION: In my last post I stated that my friend had passed on September 12th. It was, in fact August 12th. The time seems to have run together.
Today, I received the news that Nancy and her husband are together again. Her husband joined her in heaven at 4am this morning, passing in his sleep. I am in a place of emotional confusion. I am sad because a life - a wonderful life - has ended too soon. I am relieved because the cancer had spread and my understanding is that the past few days were really awful. I am happy because husband and wife are together again. I am numb because this all happened so fast.
There is a photo on Nancy's facebook page of she and her husband 367 days ago. Halloween, 2008. Dressed as the members of KISS. Funny, happy, carefree. How could anyone have known that neither one of them would live to see the another Halloween. Of course we all know logically that another year is never guaranteed. But it still is a concept that is impossible to grasp.
I'm not sure how to end this. I'm not sure what else to say. I am so honored to have known both of these wonderful people. I am glad for them that they are together again. I am somehow changed by the cruelty of the whole situation. But I am choosing now to reflect on the memories I have of them younger, healthier and so completely in love with each other.
~ When someone you love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure. ~
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
If I was you - i'd fire me.
*SIGH*... I am terrible at this. It's funny because I have my list of blogs that I read every.single.day. I rely on them as a part of my morning routine. And when they don't get updated for more than a period of several days, I get agitated. Then the little angel on my shoulder knocks on my skull - "Hey Dumbass! People in glass houses..." Yeah. I suck at blogging.
I suppose I can try to justify this by saying that I don't have much to share! Things are status quo, which, in many ways I am thankful for. I also know that there aren't many (if any) people reading my blog, so I don't feel much pressure to be interesting. Which is a relief.
Wedding-wise - the actual, honest-to-God end is in sight. I have about three thank you notes left to write. This weekend we have our album design meeting. Then it will all be done. I think i'll hold off on having babies just so that I can take a break from writing thank you notes! I kid, of course. We are so lucky to have such amazingly generous friends and family.
We are heading into the holiday season, which is the most exciting time of year for me. However, as anyone who has blended families knows, the splitting the holidays thing is difficult. It actually causes me an extraordinary amount of anxiety because I am so desperate to not hurt anyone's feelings. Hub is an only-child which complicates things exponentially. I have to keep reminding myself what my Dad always says when I get worked up about the holidays - "No one cares about this as much as you do." He's right, of course.
There has been some sadness in my time away. My dear friend Nancy, who was like a mom to me, passed away in September. The story is long and confusing and just tragic. Quick version - her husband was diagnosed with lung cancer last April. In May, Nancy was diagnosed as well, though it seemed that her prognosis was better than his. We prepared ourselves that we would likely lose him. They missed the wedding because Nancy was having surgery to remove her lung, which was supposed to remove the cancer all together. There was an infection that complicated things, followed by the discovery of a spot in her brain, which we were told could be removed. On September 12th in the morning I recieved an email that the cancer had spread everywhere. The doctors couldn't stop it and they gave her days, maybe weeks at best to live. She died at around noon that very day. It was incredibly, gut-wrenchingly tragic. Only to be made that much more tragic by the fact that her husband's cancer has spread. He is moving into hospice care today. I comfort myself with the knowledge that they will be together, but my heart absolutely aches for my friend's daughter, who cared for her mother, and now her stepfather with everything she had. How much is one person expected to handle? Fucking cancer...
I suppose that is really the biggest news in my life since last I wrote. I promise to try to do better at staying on top of this blogging thing. *pinky swear*
I suppose I can try to justify this by saying that I don't have much to share! Things are status quo, which, in many ways I am thankful for. I also know that there aren't many (if any) people reading my blog, so I don't feel much pressure to be interesting. Which is a relief.
Wedding-wise - the actual, honest-to-God end is in sight. I have about three thank you notes left to write. This weekend we have our album design meeting. Then it will all be done. I think i'll hold off on having babies just so that I can take a break from writing thank you notes! I kid, of course. We are so lucky to have such amazingly generous friends and family.
We are heading into the holiday season, which is the most exciting time of year for me. However, as anyone who has blended families knows, the splitting the holidays thing is difficult. It actually causes me an extraordinary amount of anxiety because I am so desperate to not hurt anyone's feelings. Hub is an only-child which complicates things exponentially. I have to keep reminding myself what my Dad always says when I get worked up about the holidays - "No one cares about this as much as you do." He's right, of course.
There has been some sadness in my time away. My dear friend Nancy, who was like a mom to me, passed away in September. The story is long and confusing and just tragic. Quick version - her husband was diagnosed with lung cancer last April. In May, Nancy was diagnosed as well, though it seemed that her prognosis was better than his. We prepared ourselves that we would likely lose him. They missed the wedding because Nancy was having surgery to remove her lung, which was supposed to remove the cancer all together. There was an infection that complicated things, followed by the discovery of a spot in her brain, which we were told could be removed. On September 12th in the morning I recieved an email that the cancer had spread everywhere. The doctors couldn't stop it and they gave her days, maybe weeks at best to live. She died at around noon that very day. It was incredibly, gut-wrenchingly tragic. Only to be made that much more tragic by the fact that her husband's cancer has spread. He is moving into hospice care today. I comfort myself with the knowledge that they will be together, but my heart absolutely aches for my friend's daughter, who cared for her mother, and now her stepfather with everything she had. How much is one person expected to handle? Fucking cancer...
I suppose that is really the biggest news in my life since last I wrote. I promise to try to do better at staying on top of this blogging thing. *pinky swear*
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
The Little Things
Being married feels different. I didn't think it would. In fact, I told myself it wouldn't because the fact is, I tend to fear change. But it does. It feels different. It feels better. Closer, more natural, more intimate.
Hubs and I have a very (possibly too) comfortable relationship. I am 100% myself around him and vise versa. We've been best friends for a long time. I didn't think it was possible to feel any closer to him than I did just 2 months ago. But there we were, standing in the upstairs bathroom of our home about 2 days after returning from our honeymoon. He looked at me in the mirror as I brushed my teeth and said, "I feel a lot closer to you now." I remember a feeling swelling in me, because it was such a simple statement, but so completely identical to what I was experiencing.
I think society portrays this image of a happy marriage being all about sex and money and the giant house with the perfect children and well-trained dog. But all that glitters isn't gold. I think a happy marriage comes from the little things. The small, intimate moments that perhaps an outsider wouldn't think twice about, but to the couple, it strikes a chord.
Since we married two months ago I have been consistently amazed by hubs. To just share one example - I fractured my foot two weeks after the wedding, playing volleyball at a family party. Hubs came running and swept me off my feet (literally). Carrying me across the lawn and up the tall stairs to the porch where his mom was waiting with ice and ibuprofen. In the next few days he waited on me in every possible way. I was so touched by his care and concern. He got tears in his eyes when he recalled the expression on my face from across the volleyball net when I landed on my foot. My pain was his pain. We are one.
Hubs is a bit old fashioned in some ways. He really wants to support me. He wants to make enough money that I will have the choice of working or not working. (For the record, except when I am home for the first few years of my kid's lives, I will always work in some way or another.) But I appreciate how he wants to give me security. He's one of the good ones. And he's all mine.
In writing this post, I recognized that I'm not sure he knows how much he's impressed me since the wedding. I think I will take the time tonight to really tell him how much I appreciate him. My mom always said, husbands need to be trained. If you like what they do, they need plenty of positive reinforcement, so that they keep it up! ha. My mom and her advice.. that's a post for another day.
Hubs and I have a very (possibly too) comfortable relationship. I am 100% myself around him and vise versa. We've been best friends for a long time. I didn't think it was possible to feel any closer to him than I did just 2 months ago. But there we were, standing in the upstairs bathroom of our home about 2 days after returning from our honeymoon. He looked at me in the mirror as I brushed my teeth and said, "I feel a lot closer to you now." I remember a feeling swelling in me, because it was such a simple statement, but so completely identical to what I was experiencing.
I think society portrays this image of a happy marriage being all about sex and money and the giant house with the perfect children and well-trained dog. But all that glitters isn't gold. I think a happy marriage comes from the little things. The small, intimate moments that perhaps an outsider wouldn't think twice about, but to the couple, it strikes a chord.
Since we married two months ago I have been consistently amazed by hubs. To just share one example - I fractured my foot two weeks after the wedding, playing volleyball at a family party. Hubs came running and swept me off my feet (literally). Carrying me across the lawn and up the tall stairs to the porch where his mom was waiting with ice and ibuprofen. In the next few days he waited on me in every possible way. I was so touched by his care and concern. He got tears in his eyes when he recalled the expression on my face from across the volleyball net when I landed on my foot. My pain was his pain. We are one.
Hubs is a bit old fashioned in some ways. He really wants to support me. He wants to make enough money that I will have the choice of working or not working. (For the record, except when I am home for the first few years of my kid's lives, I will always work in some way or another.) But I appreciate how he wants to give me security. He's one of the good ones. And he's all mine.
In writing this post, I recognized that I'm not sure he knows how much he's impressed me since the wedding. I think I will take the time tonight to really tell him how much I appreciate him. My mom always said, husbands need to be trained. If you like what they do, they need plenty of positive reinforcement, so that they keep it up! ha. My mom and her advice.. that's a post for another day.
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Fortune Cookies
I keep fortunes. Well, I keep the poignant ones. I think though completely random and trivial, sometimes you will crack open that cookie and get one that just fits. Maybe it fits a conversation you've just had. Or maybe it relates to an important decision you are mulling over. Maybe its just downright funny. Any way you shake it, when I come across a fortune that rings true for me, I hang on to it.
I have a 10 fortunes hanging in my office in various places. I've kept them as reminders, or reasons to smile, or because occasionally they validate my feelings, as odd as that may sound.
Under the topic - Just because they are good things to remember, I have:
Any day above ground is a good day.
Common Sense is not so common.
For a little motivation or inspiration:
Winners make their own luck.
Your golden opportunity is coming.
Change your thoughts and you change the world.
For a little bit of advice to myself:
Think before sharing with others.
Avoid compulsively making things worse.
Do not give up, the beginning is always the hardest.
And under the topic of oh-so perfect for my life and certain people in it:
It's amazing how much good you can do it you don't care who gets the credit.
Ever get the feeling that there is some divine reason for certain things to fall into your hands when they do? Yeah, me too.
I have a 10 fortunes hanging in my office in various places. I've kept them as reminders, or reasons to smile, or because occasionally they validate my feelings, as odd as that may sound.
Under the topic - Just because they are good things to remember, I have:
Any day above ground is a good day.
Common Sense is not so common.
For a little motivation or inspiration:
Winners make their own luck.
Your golden opportunity is coming.
Change your thoughts and you change the world.
For a little bit of advice to myself:
Think before sharing with others.
Avoid compulsively making things worse.
Do not give up, the beginning is always the hardest.
And under the topic of oh-so perfect for my life and certain people in it:
It's amazing how much good you can do it you don't care who gets the credit.
Ever get the feeling that there is some divine reason for certain things to fall into your hands when they do? Yeah, me too.
Friday, July 17, 2009
This is the day I make you mine.
Upon reflection on my last several blog entries, I am a bit dismayed at the fact that I come across as a fairly negative person. I suppose that could be because I write as a form of therapy, and I tend to need therapy most when I'm upset. But the fact is, I am a very happy person. I have an amazing life! I am very thankful for everything I have!
Did I tell you about my wedding day? I didn't. And I should have, because it was the most amazing day of my life.
June, 2009 was the least sunny June in recorded history. It rained practically daily. It was chilly every day. So as a bride, planning my outdoor garden wedding ceremony, I was nervous. Yes there was a rain plan, but I didn't like it. I wanted to ceremony that I had imagined for the 18 months since we had booked the venue. I started tracking the weather 10 days out. Which in hindsight, was a waste of time.
We met with the venue 2 days before the wedding to discuss final details. I was told that at 5:30 on my wedding day they would make a final decision as to where the ceremony would be. At that time the florist would start setting up the archway. Once it was set up, it could not be moved. I tried to imagine it placed in each of the possible locations. First choice was of course, the garden. The beautiful sunken garden that won my heart the moment I saw it. If the grass was too wet or the skies were threatening, we would move it to the inner courtyard. Not a terrible option, just not what I wanted. The final option - the dreaded rain plan - was to have the ceremony under the port cochere, the overhang from the main entrance where horse drawn carriages would have pulled up to the mansion to pick people up. This, to me, was the worst-case scenario.
On the morning of June 13th - my wedding day - I woke up to sunny skies and very comfortable temperatures. My heart soared! This was my wedding day and it was perfect! We spent the day getting ready for the 7pm service.
At about 5:30, I was all dressed and being photographed in the living room of my parent's house. Somewhere in the background I heard the phone ring. I heard talking. I stood up to go outside to take photos and my bridesmaids and my parents came around me and broke the news that they were setting up the archway in the inner courtyard. Tears. Immediate, unstoppable tears. I didn't understand! It was sunny out!! My dad gently told me that they had all been watching the doppler all day and there was a storm predicted right over our venue at 7pm. Of course. With encouraging words from my best friends, i did my best to stop the tears.
We went outside and took more photos. I begged my poor dad to call the venue and ask them to check the doppler again. He reminded me that once they set up the archway it couldn't be moved. I argued that the sun was still out. He told me that if we got to the venue and it was not raining, we could have the ceremony in the garden. We just wouldn't have the archway. I agreed, though the idea of not having the archway was really sad to me - this all might make me sound like a spoiled princess who needs to get her way, but trust me, when you've spent 18 months picturing something so monumentally important in your life, every detail is set, the smallest things feel important. - So as we climbed into the limo, my dad called the venue and informed them that if it wasn't raining, I wanted to have the ceremony in the garden.
The whole ride to the venue I focused. I was rolling down the window, inspecting the sky. Briefly it rained while we rode. I was making semi-jokes about moving the archway into the garden by myself, in my dress. I said I would ask the groomsmen to move it. In my head I was praying. I was praying to God, to my grandparents and hubs grandparents, to my pets, to anyone who might have been listening to please grant me a miracle. I admitted to knowing it was ridiculous to care so much about something so insignificant. It just mattered to me. I was also preparing myself. I was coaching myself that I needed to be happy because in the end, it didn't matter at all where the ceremony was. What mattered was that I was going to be married to my best friend. And that it would be a beautiful ceremony no matter what. But I would be lying if I said my heart wasn't a little bit heavy.
The limo pulled through the heavy gates and onto the property of the castle. As we rounded the corner, I looked out my window towards the garden. I saw chairs! They were setting up to have the ceremony outside! Wait - I thought- don't get too excited. They likely set up both places so that we could make last minute moves. But then, as we rounded the corner I saw a truck parked at the entrance of the garden AND a group of people was lowering the archway from the bed!! I shrieked! I couldn't believe it!! They were doing what they said couldn't be done! They were moving my archway! And again, I cried. I felt so grateful.
We drove up to the castle and the venue coordinator opened my limo door. "Thank you so much for moving my archway!" I exclaimed. She said she was happy to do it.
Once we were up in the bridal suite waiting for guests to arrive, the coordinator came up to me and said, "The storm that was overhead has dissipated. The worst you will get is a few sprinkles during the ceremony, but that's it."
She (and you) may think it was purely scientific, this sudden change in weather. I know it was something much more profound. It was a wedding day gift from my Mommom, who promised me on her deathbed that she'd be with me on my wedding day. It was a gift from my hub's Nana, who would have been so happy to see this day come. It was a miracle from my animals, who know that I carry their beautiful souls in my heart everywhere I go.
I married my husband in a wonderful ceremony in front of 200 very special people. We stood before a beautiful archway and said our vows. Throughout the ceremony, from the surrounding woods, you could hear a frog's soft, repetitive croak. It was a beautiful sound. Towards the end of the ceremony, it began to sprinkle. Soft, sporadic drops. And I couldn't feel a thing. I was on cloud nine. I was feeling (and I still feel) blessed beyond measure and so completely sure of the gifts I received on that day.
Did I tell you about my wedding day? I didn't. And I should have, because it was the most amazing day of my life.
June, 2009 was the least sunny June in recorded history. It rained practically daily. It was chilly every day. So as a bride, planning my outdoor garden wedding ceremony, I was nervous. Yes there was a rain plan, but I didn't like it. I wanted to ceremony that I had imagined for the 18 months since we had booked the venue. I started tracking the weather 10 days out. Which in hindsight, was a waste of time.
We met with the venue 2 days before the wedding to discuss final details. I was told that at 5:30 on my wedding day they would make a final decision as to where the ceremony would be. At that time the florist would start setting up the archway. Once it was set up, it could not be moved. I tried to imagine it placed in each of the possible locations. First choice was of course, the garden. The beautiful sunken garden that won my heart the moment I saw it. If the grass was too wet or the skies were threatening, we would move it to the inner courtyard. Not a terrible option, just not what I wanted. The final option - the dreaded rain plan - was to have the ceremony under the port cochere, the overhang from the main entrance where horse drawn carriages would have pulled up to the mansion to pick people up. This, to me, was the worst-case scenario.
On the morning of June 13th - my wedding day - I woke up to sunny skies and very comfortable temperatures. My heart soared! This was my wedding day and it was perfect! We spent the day getting ready for the 7pm service.
At about 5:30, I was all dressed and being photographed in the living room of my parent's house. Somewhere in the background I heard the phone ring. I heard talking. I stood up to go outside to take photos and my bridesmaids and my parents came around me and broke the news that they were setting up the archway in the inner courtyard. Tears. Immediate, unstoppable tears. I didn't understand! It was sunny out!! My dad gently told me that they had all been watching the doppler all day and there was a storm predicted right over our venue at 7pm. Of course. With encouraging words from my best friends, i did my best to stop the tears.
We went outside and took more photos. I begged my poor dad to call the venue and ask them to check the doppler again. He reminded me that once they set up the archway it couldn't be moved. I argued that the sun was still out. He told me that if we got to the venue and it was not raining, we could have the ceremony in the garden. We just wouldn't have the archway. I agreed, though the idea of not having the archway was really sad to me - this all might make me sound like a spoiled princess who needs to get her way, but trust me, when you've spent 18 months picturing something so monumentally important in your life, every detail is set, the smallest things feel important. - So as we climbed into the limo, my dad called the venue and informed them that if it wasn't raining, I wanted to have the ceremony in the garden.
The whole ride to the venue I focused. I was rolling down the window, inspecting the sky. Briefly it rained while we rode. I was making semi-jokes about moving the archway into the garden by myself, in my dress. I said I would ask the groomsmen to move it. In my head I was praying. I was praying to God, to my grandparents and hubs grandparents, to my pets, to anyone who might have been listening to please grant me a miracle. I admitted to knowing it was ridiculous to care so much about something so insignificant. It just mattered to me. I was also preparing myself. I was coaching myself that I needed to be happy because in the end, it didn't matter at all where the ceremony was. What mattered was that I was going to be married to my best friend. And that it would be a beautiful ceremony no matter what. But I would be lying if I said my heart wasn't a little bit heavy.
The limo pulled through the heavy gates and onto the property of the castle. As we rounded the corner, I looked out my window towards the garden. I saw chairs! They were setting up to have the ceremony outside! Wait - I thought- don't get too excited. They likely set up both places so that we could make last minute moves. But then, as we rounded the corner I saw a truck parked at the entrance of the garden AND a group of people was lowering the archway from the bed!! I shrieked! I couldn't believe it!! They were doing what they said couldn't be done! They were moving my archway! And again, I cried. I felt so grateful.
We drove up to the castle and the venue coordinator opened my limo door. "Thank you so much for moving my archway!" I exclaimed. She said she was happy to do it.
Once we were up in the bridal suite waiting for guests to arrive, the coordinator came up to me and said, "The storm that was overhead has dissipated. The worst you will get is a few sprinkles during the ceremony, but that's it."
She (and you) may think it was purely scientific, this sudden change in weather. I know it was something much more profound. It was a wedding day gift from my Mommom, who promised me on her deathbed that she'd be with me on my wedding day. It was a gift from my hub's Nana, who would have been so happy to see this day come. It was a miracle from my animals, who know that I carry their beautiful souls in my heart everywhere I go.
I married my husband in a wonderful ceremony in front of 200 very special people. We stood before a beautiful archway and said our vows. Throughout the ceremony, from the surrounding woods, you could hear a frog's soft, repetitive croak. It was a beautiful sound. Towards the end of the ceremony, it began to sprinkle. Soft, sporadic drops. And I couldn't feel a thing. I was on cloud nine. I was feeling (and I still feel) blessed beyond measure and so completely sure of the gifts I received on that day.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Back to reality
It's been a looooong time since i've posted. In that time I became a wife. I went to Jamaica on my honeymoon, and I fell in love with my husband all over again. Life is great. And yet, right now I feel oddly unsettled. My soul feels tired. I don't know how else to describe it. But I know it's entirely because of my job.
When I am home, with the hubs, I feel on top of the world and blessed beyond measure. But it's always there. Somewhere in my subconcious - a feeling of dread and discontent. Little matters become big issues. I feel inadequate. It's a suffocating feeling.
I work with a group of people with huge personalities. They are all great in certain ways and awful in certain ways. I try to block them out. Block out any drama they bring or comments they make. But it's very, very distracting. I am very easily distracted.
This entry is a bit rambling and muddled. That's because I am trying to work this out in my head as I type. I wonder if I might have an attention deficit issue. I feel no drive. I feel no motivation. I cannot prioritze at the moment. It's confusing and frustrating. Is it because I just don't care? Is that terrible?
There are people in the world who believe that if you do what you love, the money will come. I just don't know if that's true. I wish it was. But what do I love? I love animals. I love my family. I love my friends. I love feeling like i'm making a difference and that i'm appreciated. I love to feel like i'm good at what I do. I don't feel that right now. I don't feel like i'm succeeding right now. I think i'm just getting by.
I am sure that some of my emotions stem from the inevitable let-down after a major event. And they don't get much more major than your wedding day. But I -
Okay, update. My mom called. My sweet, wonderful mom who can sense my sadness all the way from Florida. She makes my soul feel better. Mom's are like that. It's a magic power that I can only hope I will have with my children.
I am going to make moves. I am going to confront issues. I am going to beat this because every moment I spend feeling down, is a moment wasted.
Here I go...
When I am home, with the hubs, I feel on top of the world and blessed beyond measure. But it's always there. Somewhere in my subconcious - a feeling of dread and discontent. Little matters become big issues. I feel inadequate. It's a suffocating feeling.
I work with a group of people with huge personalities. They are all great in certain ways and awful in certain ways. I try to block them out. Block out any drama they bring or comments they make. But it's very, very distracting. I am very easily distracted.
This entry is a bit rambling and muddled. That's because I am trying to work this out in my head as I type. I wonder if I might have an attention deficit issue. I feel no drive. I feel no motivation. I cannot prioritze at the moment. It's confusing and frustrating. Is it because I just don't care? Is that terrible?
There are people in the world who believe that if you do what you love, the money will come. I just don't know if that's true. I wish it was. But what do I love? I love animals. I love my family. I love my friends. I love feeling like i'm making a difference and that i'm appreciated. I love to feel like i'm good at what I do. I don't feel that right now. I don't feel like i'm succeeding right now. I think i'm just getting by.
I am sure that some of my emotions stem from the inevitable let-down after a major event. And they don't get much more major than your wedding day. But I -
Okay, update. My mom called. My sweet, wonderful mom who can sense my sadness all the way from Florida. She makes my soul feel better. Mom's are like that. It's a magic power that I can only hope I will have with my children.
I am going to make moves. I am going to confront issues. I am going to beat this because every moment I spend feeling down, is a moment wasted.
Here I go...
Thursday, April 16, 2009
Short and Sweet
I just have to write this down to embed it into my conciousness for the day:
Today, I will be fine. I will do my best. I will be a good, friendly, kind, positive person. I will hold my head up high because I deserve to. I will work with my team for the most positive outcome possible. I will remind myself that though things may seem huge in the moment, certain things are just not that important in the grand scheme of things. Today I will be happy because I should be happy. Because life is too short not to be.
Today, I will be fine. I will do my best. I will be a good, friendly, kind, positive person. I will hold my head up high because I deserve to. I will work with my team for the most positive outcome possible. I will remind myself that though things may seem huge in the moment, certain things are just not that important in the grand scheme of things. Today I will be happy because I should be happy. Because life is too short not to be.
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