Last week was tough. In case that wasn't clear in my previous post. I was stressed, work was full of drama and I had PMS. Not a good combination. This week, i'm better! Thank God. Let's face face it, when you feel that angry and frustrated and emotional, there's no way NOT to bring that home with you, no matter how hard you try to seperate the lives.
Anyways, I have been sticking to my goal of going to the gym and eating better. I still cheat on the weekends, and I haven't seen the numbers move on the scale much, if at all. But I had a moment of triumph yesterday.
I'd decided not to go to my regularly scheduled Zumba class (new instructor, long story). But instead of giving in to the excuses and laziness, I coaxed my colleague and she agreed that we'd go and work out on our own. So we did. Seems like a pretty silly thing to be proud of, but I really am proud of us and myself, because it would have been much easier to go home, sit on the couch, and do nothing. But instead, I went to the gym. I wanted to do my usual 20 minutes on the elliptical, but I pushed for 30. When I got to thirty (350 calories burned), i felt energized and ready to keep going! So I hopped on a treadmill next to my colleague, and did a brisk walk for about 20 minutes. THEN I RAN!!! (Are you picturing Forrest Gump?) I was just going to try to run for a minute or so straight, which has always been a challenge to me because a, I have asthma and b, I am really out of shape. But I ran a minute, and kept going and going, I realized that I was close to the 5 minute mark and set my mind on reaching it, and i did!! Again, I recognize that this sounds like a laughable accomplishment, but trust me, it never would have happened before that I could run for 5 minutes straight without having a heart attack and dropping dead on the spot (or at least wheeze uncontrollably for a good 15 minutes afterwards). But none of that happened! I felt great! I felt energized! I felt like I was doing something so right for my body!
I am trying on my wedding gown this weekend, and I am intrigued to see if these past several weeks of working out frequently has made a difference in the fit. We shall see...
Either way, I am quite proud of myself for kicking the little devil off my shoulder and convincing myself to do something that's so good for me, physically and mentally. I have every intention of keeping it up!
I am grateful today for boosts like that one. Little triumphs, little victories. They keep things going in the right direction. The task for me is to grasp on to those moments and utilize them to carry me through the tougher times. It's a good lesson learned.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
Frustrated
Work is work and life is life. Leave your work shit at work and deal with your home shit at home. That's how it should be. But at my job, that's not the case. It's a long, drawn out story, but the bottom line is that my work-life bares a striking resemblance to a tweenaged melodrama, and I am so, completely over it. I am angry with my supervisor for making our environment here so stressful, uncomfortable and dramatic, and I am even more angry at myself for letting it effect me so much. I want to come to work, do my thing and go home. period. I don't want to have to go into her office once a week so that she can ask me my opinion on why team morale is so low. I shouldn't be put in the position of having to tell her that she is the reason. She is the core of the problems and her shit has rippled its way through each of the rest of our lives.
Normally I am really good at just keeping my head down and doing my work. But for some reason, her behavior recently has become so toxic that I find it impossible to block. It's so unfair.
If I worked in a normal company, bullshit like hers would not be tolerated. But I don't work in a normal company, and upper-management, while well aware of her quirks and tendencies, thinks its amusing. They don't seem to realize the effect she's having on the productivity and general happiness of the team.
This entry is actually a good example of the effect she has on me. I had every intention of writing as a therapy. I was hoping to coax myself into feeling clear of her negativity, but the fact is that i'm all-consumed at the moment. And I hate her for it...
Normally I am really good at just keeping my head down and doing my work. But for some reason, her behavior recently has become so toxic that I find it impossible to block. It's so unfair.
If I worked in a normal company, bullshit like hers would not be tolerated. But I don't work in a normal company, and upper-management, while well aware of her quirks and tendencies, thinks its amusing. They don't seem to realize the effect she's having on the productivity and general happiness of the team.
This entry is actually a good example of the effect she has on me. I had every intention of writing as a therapy. I was hoping to coax myself into feeling clear of her negativity, but the fact is that i'm all-consumed at the moment. And I hate her for it...
Monday, February 2, 2009
No More Excuses
As I've stated before. I am a master procrastinator. I can come up with an excuse not to do absolutely anything. If it sounds like I am boasting, I assure you, I am not. My constant avoidance of things is something I rather despise about myself. But today I am steadying myself, standing up to that inner fat kid, breaking the cycle, and joining a gym.
I am hoping that having one of my best friends be a member as well will help to motivate me. It's rather pathetic that I need someone to motivate me. I'm getting married, and getting ready to consider getting pregnant. Were there ever any better reasons to want to look and be my healthiest? But the sad truth is, I know myself better than that. I will tell myself that it's too difficult/cold/dark/early to go in the morning before work. The devil on my shoulder will whisper in my ear that I walked at a brisk pace the 1/3 mile from the boat and therefore don't need anymore cardio for the day. I will give in to the tired person who just wants to go home and lie on the couch with my hubby to be after a long day. I will use the fact that I got a great monthly rate to ease any pangs of guilt for wasting money. But the fact is, come four months from now, if I don't feel amazing in my wedding gown, I will have no one to blame but myself. That is what I have to keep reminding myself. It won't always be fun. It will never be convenient or easy. But if I can walk down that aisle feeling like a million bucks, knowing I worked my ass off to make it happen, I know it will have been worth it.
So my challenge to myself begins today. No more excuses.
I am hoping that having one of my best friends be a member as well will help to motivate me. It's rather pathetic that I need someone to motivate me. I'm getting married, and getting ready to consider getting pregnant. Were there ever any better reasons to want to look and be my healthiest? But the sad truth is, I know myself better than that. I will tell myself that it's too difficult/cold/dark/early to go in the morning before work. The devil on my shoulder will whisper in my ear that I walked at a brisk pace the 1/3 mile from the boat and therefore don't need anymore cardio for the day. I will give in to the tired person who just wants to go home and lie on the couch with my hubby to be after a long day. I will use the fact that I got a great monthly rate to ease any pangs of guilt for wasting money. But the fact is, come four months from now, if I don't feel amazing in my wedding gown, I will have no one to blame but myself. That is what I have to keep reminding myself. It won't always be fun. It will never be convenient or easy. But if I can walk down that aisle feeling like a million bucks, knowing I worked my ass off to make it happen, I know it will have been worth it.
So my challenge to myself begins today. No more excuses.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Idiosyncrasies of a Bride-To-Be
Here we are - 152 days from my wedding day. The day i've dreamed about my whole life. And I am so excited. I know there is a lot left to do, but I feel pretty confident that it will all get done. My wedding stress does not come from the usual fears. No, no, no. My fears are more dramatic. In fact, several of them are so completely outlandish that even I have to laugh at them. Yet, even though I can laugh at them, there is still that pit in my stomach that says, well, what if...
What if:
What if:
- I break a bone (any bone) leading up to the wedding, and have to wear a cast with my wedding gown!? Mind you, I have never broken a bone in my life (knocking on wood, knocking on wood). Where did this fear come from? No idea...
- I fall while walking down the aisle. Particularly, while walking down the stone steps into the garden. How embarrassing would that be??! I suppose though that my dad will have a fairly firm grip on me. I hope.
- We can't hear the string trio begin to play Pachelbel Canon in D? I'd miss the cue for my entrance. Poor hubby to be will be struck with a momentary fear that I'm standing him up!! (even though the whole bridal party will have walked down the aisle already.)
- People show up that weren't invited or expected. This is a legitimate fear. I think. We have decided not to allow single people to bring guests. It's just too much to pay for people we've never met. Not to mention, I'm not really thrilled with the idea of having a bunch of people i've never met at my wedding.
- Guests think my dress is awful? I don't know how to elaborate on that one...
Okay, my mind is racing now, maybe allowing myself to dwell on these fears and write about them wasn't the best idea.
One thing I can say for certain is that I have strategically planned to surround myself with people who know my idiosynrasies. Hopefully, they find my quirkiness lovable. I mean, they've put up with me for this long!
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
My Moment
Have you ever had a moment in your life that was so profoundly special, you just knew you'd carry it with you forever? I've been blessed to have already had a couple. They aren't always easy. In fact, they usually aren't. Yet, these moments leave you with something sacred, just for yourself, to hold on to.
In 5 months I will be married. It's an occasion that I look forward to celebrating as the happiest day of my life. When I walk down that aisle, I'll be surrounded by the people who love me most in the whole world. People who want nothing more than to see Hubby-to-be and me happy. There will be a little sadness for both of us when we think of the people we love, who aren't with us on our special day. But I have a special moment to uplift me with reassurance in that moment.
My mommom, my Dad's mom was an incredible woman. Truly, there is no one like her. She was kind and good, and hilarious without meaning to be. She spoke her mind and had no inner sensor. Her honesty was at once refreshing and awkward. She was a mother to seven and a grandmother to 14, great grandmother to 2. Last Christmas, something in me knew her time was dwindling. Being a lifelong smoker and lifelong caretaker of everyone but herself, had slowed her down significantly. Really, after my Grandfather lost his lengthy battle with Parkinson's Disease, it was as if her body finally caught up with her. I remember feeling the need to have a photo taken of Hubby-to-be and me with Mommom, just so I'd have it always. I'm glad I did. Christmas '07 was the last time Hubby-to-be saw her. There were a number of medical catastrophes that led to her death. But essentially what it came down to was that she had lung cancer, and refused treatment. By the time Easter rolled around, she was in hospice care. My poor Mommom. She had a paralyzed larynx and could barely whisper. She had a hole in her throat. Over the weekend she fell and hit her head in the bathroom. And above all else, she was a shell of the woman she once was. She couldn't and wouldn't eat. She didn't want to live anymore. And who could blame her? I am at a loss for words to describe how in awe I am of her determination to go on her own terms. She was in control. She decided she would not suffer. I am... I am just so proud of her. But it was difficult. It was as if she was holding on for Easter. To see her family. She even forced herself to come to my Aunt and Uncle's house for Easter dinner to spend time with us. She sat in her chair, and even ate some ice cream. We took turns sitting and talking with her. We all held it together very well. Until, it came time for my moment.
She had decided she needed to go back to the home. My dad and my uncles were getting ready to take her. I sat down next to her wheelchair and held her frail, paper-thin hand. I told her I loved her and that I was sorry we weren't able to spend more time together in our lives, (I grew up 4 hours away from her) but I wanted her to know that I remember everything. She shook her head and looked me in the eye and whispered,"You were always so loyal." then, the moment I will carry with me forever. "I'm sorry I won't be there on your wedding day. I'm just so tired." The tears overflowed and I couldn't hold it anymore. It was as if she read my mind. It was what I feared from the day we got engaged. That my mommom wouldn't make it that long. I felt as if i'd been kicked in the stomach. Through the tears I fought to say, "It's okay. I know you're tired. And I know you'll be there with me on that day." She looked back at me, nodded, and said, "Yes, I will be." Mommom passed away three days later. She went peacefully with several of her children by her side. My aunt read her the 23rd Psalm, and my dad held her hand. She stopped breathing as my aunt read the final line; "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." I don't know if you could ask for a more dignified, peaceful death.
I miss her dearly. We all do. On my wedding day, when I think of her, I am sure I will cry. But I will know, because she told me so, that she is there with me. And I will hold onto that moment, that promise, for the rest of my life. I am so grateful to have had it.
In 5 months I will be married. It's an occasion that I look forward to celebrating as the happiest day of my life. When I walk down that aisle, I'll be surrounded by the people who love me most in the whole world. People who want nothing more than to see Hubby-to-be and me happy. There will be a little sadness for both of us when we think of the people we love, who aren't with us on our special day. But I have a special moment to uplift me with reassurance in that moment.
My mommom, my Dad's mom was an incredible woman. Truly, there is no one like her. She was kind and good, and hilarious without meaning to be. She spoke her mind and had no inner sensor. Her honesty was at once refreshing and awkward. She was a mother to seven and a grandmother to 14, great grandmother to 2. Last Christmas, something in me knew her time was dwindling. Being a lifelong smoker and lifelong caretaker of everyone but herself, had slowed her down significantly. Really, after my Grandfather lost his lengthy battle with Parkinson's Disease, it was as if her body finally caught up with her. I remember feeling the need to have a photo taken of Hubby-to-be and me with Mommom, just so I'd have it always. I'm glad I did. Christmas '07 was the last time Hubby-to-be saw her. There were a number of medical catastrophes that led to her death. But essentially what it came down to was that she had lung cancer, and refused treatment. By the time Easter rolled around, she was in hospice care. My poor Mommom. She had a paralyzed larynx and could barely whisper. She had a hole in her throat. Over the weekend she fell and hit her head in the bathroom. And above all else, she was a shell of the woman she once was. She couldn't and wouldn't eat. She didn't want to live anymore. And who could blame her? I am at a loss for words to describe how in awe I am of her determination to go on her own terms. She was in control. She decided she would not suffer. I am... I am just so proud of her. But it was difficult. It was as if she was holding on for Easter. To see her family. She even forced herself to come to my Aunt and Uncle's house for Easter dinner to spend time with us. She sat in her chair, and even ate some ice cream. We took turns sitting and talking with her. We all held it together very well. Until, it came time for my moment.
She had decided she needed to go back to the home. My dad and my uncles were getting ready to take her. I sat down next to her wheelchair and held her frail, paper-thin hand. I told her I loved her and that I was sorry we weren't able to spend more time together in our lives, (I grew up 4 hours away from her) but I wanted her to know that I remember everything. She shook her head and looked me in the eye and whispered,"You were always so loyal." then, the moment I will carry with me forever. "I'm sorry I won't be there on your wedding day. I'm just so tired." The tears overflowed and I couldn't hold it anymore. It was as if she read my mind. It was what I feared from the day we got engaged. That my mommom wouldn't make it that long. I felt as if i'd been kicked in the stomach. Through the tears I fought to say, "It's okay. I know you're tired. And I know you'll be there with me on that day." She looked back at me, nodded, and said, "Yes, I will be." Mommom passed away three days later. She went peacefully with several of her children by her side. My aunt read her the 23rd Psalm, and my dad held her hand. She stopped breathing as my aunt read the final line; "Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." I don't know if you could ask for a more dignified, peaceful death.
I miss her dearly. We all do. On my wedding day, when I think of her, I am sure I will cry. But I will know, because she told me so, that she is there with me. And I will hold onto that moment, that promise, for the rest of my life. I am so grateful to have had it.
Time for Some Honesty
Or not. I just wrote nearly an entire entry on a deeply personal matter. But I just couldn't bring myself to hit "Publish Post". Instead, I hit delete. I suppose writing it should have been therapeutic enough. I don't know. I guess, despite being one of the most outspoken people I know, there are just some things I can't let out in the world for judgement and scrutiny. I guess I also don't see how writing about it was going to change anything. We all have our battles...
Friday, December 19, 2008
It's The Most Wonderful Time of The Year
Anyone who have ever known me, knows that I love Christmas. My countdown begins in October, around the same time I start listening to Christmas music on the radio stations that boast the continuous format from October 1st through December 25th. I'm "that girl". I always have been. So what is it about the season that I love so much? That's a great question. Is it fair to say, "everything"?
I feel particularly nostaglic about my wonderful childhood around this time of year. Memories of waiting in order of age on the stairs so that we could all march down and get that first glimpse of Santa's generosity together, the sticky buns my mimi and da would bring from Viking Pastry in Philadelphia, the rush to get home from church on Christmas Eve and in bed before Santa skipped our house, it was all so magical. It still is. We are at the point in our family where my brother and I are both married or getting married. We don't have kids, yet. My grandparents are getting older, and the trip is getting harder to make. Yet, to me, there is still nothing like the warm feeling in my heart when the chaos of life gets set aside and tradition persists. I've always been a stickler for Christmas tradition. But, as life changes, I'm learning to adjust.
This year is the first year that the Hubby-to-be and I will be spending Christmas morning together. It's tough because he is an only-child. If he's not with his parents on Christmas morning, they are alone. In the same breath, my brother spends Christmas morning with his wife's family, if I'm not with mine, my parents and Grandparents are alone. There's no good answer. But I think we've come up with the best possible solution. Unfortunately that means that Hubby-to-be and I will be logging many miles to see everyone we love. To me, it's worth it. And to help the situation, it was actually my mom-in-law who suggested we spend Christmas morning with my parents, then come to them in the afternoon. Hearing her say it, made me feel so much better about it.
The bottom line is that I am so fortunate. The fact that my biggest problem is that I have too many loved ones to see in a day is the best problem to have. So we will drive, a lot. we will feel rushed and spread thin. But it will all be worth it. and in the end, when Christmas is over and it's time to head back to work, I'll feel sad, as I always do. Because to me, it truly is the most wonderful time of the year.
I feel particularly nostaglic about my wonderful childhood around this time of year. Memories of waiting in order of age on the stairs so that we could all march down and get that first glimpse of Santa's generosity together, the sticky buns my mimi and da would bring from Viking Pastry in Philadelphia, the rush to get home from church on Christmas Eve and in bed before Santa skipped our house, it was all so magical. It still is. We are at the point in our family where my brother and I are both married or getting married. We don't have kids, yet. My grandparents are getting older, and the trip is getting harder to make. Yet, to me, there is still nothing like the warm feeling in my heart when the chaos of life gets set aside and tradition persists. I've always been a stickler for Christmas tradition. But, as life changes, I'm learning to adjust.
This year is the first year that the Hubby-to-be and I will be spending Christmas morning together. It's tough because he is an only-child. If he's not with his parents on Christmas morning, they are alone. In the same breath, my brother spends Christmas morning with his wife's family, if I'm not with mine, my parents and Grandparents are alone. There's no good answer. But I think we've come up with the best possible solution. Unfortunately that means that Hubby-to-be and I will be logging many miles to see everyone we love. To me, it's worth it. And to help the situation, it was actually my mom-in-law who suggested we spend Christmas morning with my parents, then come to them in the afternoon. Hearing her say it, made me feel so much better about it.
The bottom line is that I am so fortunate. The fact that my biggest problem is that I have too many loved ones to see in a day is the best problem to have. So we will drive, a lot. we will feel rushed and spread thin. But it will all be worth it. and in the end, when Christmas is over and it's time to head back to work, I'll feel sad, as I always do. Because to me, it truly is the most wonderful time of the year.
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