Feeling Better

Last week was tough. In case that wasn't clear in my previous post. I was stressed, work was full of drama and I had PMS. Not a good combination. This week, i'm better! Thank God. Let's face face it, when you feel that angry and frustrated and emotional, there's no way NOT to bring that home with you, no matter how hard you try to seperate the lives.
Anyways, I have been sticking to my goal of going to the gym and eating better. I still cheat on the weekends, and I haven't seen the numbers move on the scale much, if at all. But I had a moment of triumph yesterday.
I'd decided not to go to my regularly scheduled Zumba class (new instructor, long story). But instead of giving in to the excuses and laziness, I coaxed my colleague and she agreed that we'd go and work out on our own. So we did. Seems like a pretty silly thing to be proud of, but I really am proud of us and myself, because it would have been much easier to go home, sit on the couch, and do nothing. But instead, I went to the gym. I wanted to do my usual 20 minutes on the elliptical, but I pushed for 30. When I got to thirty (350 calories burned), i felt energized and ready to keep going! So I hopped on a treadmill next to my colleague, and did a brisk walk for about 20 minutes. THEN I RAN!!! (Are you picturing Forrest Gump?) I was just going to try to run for a minute or so straight, which has always been a challenge to me because a, I have asthma and b, I am really out of shape. But I ran a minute, and kept going and going, I realized that I was close to the 5 minute mark and set my mind on reaching it, and i did!! Again, I recognize that this sounds like a laughable accomplishment, but trust me, it never would have happened before that I could run for 5 minutes straight without having a heart attack and dropping dead on the spot (or at least wheeze uncontrollably for a good 15 minutes afterwards). But none of that happened! I felt great! I felt energized! I felt like I was doing something so right for my body!
I am trying on my wedding gown this weekend, and I am intrigued to see if these past several weeks of working out frequently has made a difference in the fit. We shall see...
Either way, I am quite proud of myself for kicking the little devil off my shoulder and convincing myself to do something that's so good for me, physically and mentally. I have every intention of keeping it up!
I am grateful today for boosts like that one. Little triumphs, little victories. They keep things going in the right direction. The task for me is to grasp on to those moments and utilize them to carry me through the tougher times. It's a good lesson learned.

Frustrated

Work is work and life is life. Leave your work shit at work and deal with your home shit at home. That's how it should be. But at my job, that's not the case. It's a long, drawn out story, but the bottom line is that my work-life bares a striking resemblance to a tweenaged melodrama, and I am so, completely over it. I am angry with my supervisor for making our environment here so stressful, uncomfortable and dramatic, and I am even more angry at myself for letting it effect me so much. I want to come to work, do my thing and go home. period. I don't want to have to go into her office once a week so that she can ask me my opinion on why team morale is so low. I shouldn't be put in the position of having to tell her that she is the reason. She is the core of the problems and her shit has rippled its way through each of the rest of our lives.
Normally I am really good at just keeping my head down and doing my work. But for some reason, her behavior recently has become so toxic that I find it impossible to block. It's so unfair.
If I worked in a normal company, bullshit like hers would not be tolerated. But I don't work in a normal company, and upper-management, while well aware of her quirks and tendencies, thinks its amusing. They don't seem to realize the effect she's having on the productivity and general happiness of the team.
This entry is actually a good example of the effect she has on me. I had every intention of writing as a therapy. I was hoping to coax myself into feeling clear of her negativity, but the fact is that i'm all-consumed at the moment. And I hate her for it...

No More Excuses

As I've stated before. I am a master procrastinator. I can come up with an excuse not to do absolutely anything. If it sounds like I am boasting, I assure you, I am not. My constant avoidance of things is something I rather despise about myself. But today I am steadying myself, standing up to that inner fat kid, breaking the cycle, and joining a gym.
I am hoping that having one of my best friends be a member as well will help to motivate me. It's rather pathetic that I need someone to motivate me. I'm getting married, and getting ready to consider getting pregnant. Were there ever any better reasons to want to look and be my healthiest? But the sad truth is, I know myself better than that. I will tell myself that it's too difficult/cold/dark/early to go in the morning before work. The devil on my shoulder will whisper in my ear that I walked at a brisk pace the 1/3 mile from the boat and therefore don't need anymore cardio for the day. I will give in to the tired person who just wants to go home and lie on the couch with my hubby to be after a long day. I will use the fact that I got a great monthly rate to ease any pangs of guilt for wasting money. But the fact is, come four months from now, if I don't feel amazing in my wedding gown, I will have no one to blame but myself. That is what I have to keep reminding myself. It won't always be fun. It will never be convenient or easy. But if I can walk down that aisle feeling like a million bucks, knowing I worked my ass off to make it happen, I know it will have been worth it.
So my challenge to myself begins today. No more excuses.